| June 27, 1990 | Issue 6 | Aloha, Oregon |
In this issue:
Silicate Intelligence Discovered
Until Saturday, the last time I had been to the beach was in November of 1988. and that was Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro. So it had been quite a while since I visited my native coast. You see, I have this avulsion toward sand–I don’t trust it. I think sand grains are tiny intelligent beings who devote their existence to travel, especially by parasitic means. When you spend time on the beach, they jump into your shoes, your pockets, your hair, your gym bag (which you could have sworn you never even took to the beach) and by some undetermined means show up in your car and your house for months to follow.
But this week I decided I had been away too long, despite the risk, and went. My Dad (Milt) had rented a condo for the weekend, so I spent Saturday out there. It was a good beach, with coarse, less intelligent sand, and some good rocks. I like beaches with rocks. Not the kind that you pick up and throw in the water, but the kind that weigh roughly the same as a small shopping mall. There’s something about standing out there as the waves crash against the rocks with the tide coming in. It kind of makes me imagine watching a fireworks display from a distance of three feet. The tide coming in adds that certain extra thrill as you realize that at any time a “sneaker” wave could send hundreds of pounds of water over the place where you’re standing. sweeping you off the ledge to a painful death in the frothy rocks below. By the time I personally came to this realization. I was standing at a more respectable distance.
We drove up to the top of Cape Foulweather to see the view, and my Dad (whose wanderlust has taken him to every part of the world except Australia) said to me. “The Oregon coast is as pretty as any you’ll find in the world.” After a pause and a shiver he added. “It could be a lot warmer, though.”
Were We Worth It?
My sister Phyllis and her two-year-old daughter Kayla have been visiting us at home for the past week, and by some careful observation of my niece. I’ve come to the conclusion that children are a mixed deal. Kayla cries and whines for juice. but when her Mom finally gets some mixed up. she doesn’t want any. There are toys and children’s books all over the place. But the most impressive of Kayla’s feats so far was when she went into the laundry room, scooped up handfuls of detergent and placed little piles on chairs and up the stairs. The amazing thing was that her mess, which took about an half hour to clean up, was created in roughly four microseconds. But on the other side, she so cute!
Mommie: “Twinkle, twinkle little…”
Kayla: STAR!!!
Mommie: “How I wonder what you…”
Kayla: “ARE!!!” etc.
So I guess cuteness is the redeeming characteristic that allowed us all to survive our childhood under the hand of mess cleaning up, diaper changing (popular subcategory of mess cleaning up) parents.
Famous Computer Companies
But unfortunately, the summer hasn’t been all fun and games. I have actually done some work, just sort of to give my mother a shock. Central Point Software, makers of the world famous PC Tools, was in desperate need of my skills. So they immediately took advantage of my vast computer science education and put me to work putting little stickers onto program disks. I honestly don’t know where I would have been without that machine language class as I was checking slipcases for creases, and how could I have possibly survived collating warranty cards without my discrete mathematics? I was even able to share some of my extensive training in one-on-one teaching oppourtunities:
Me: “Well actually, that’s not a hard disk at all. It’s a 3 1/2″ floppy disk. A hard disk, in almost every case, is a fixed storage medium. We wouldn’t likely be shuffling through these like this if these were hard disks.”
Some Dude: “Yeah? Well these ones here are a lot harder than them other ones over there.”
Me: “Well, that’s true. They are hard disks, but they aren’t hard disks. Calling them hard disks is sort of a technological catachresis and is bound to cause some confusion.”
Some Dude: “Oh. Well, everyone here calls them hard disks.”
Me: “Okay. Fine. Hand me another stack of hard disks please.”
And aside from Central Point Software. I’m sure many of you have heard of the famous Intel Corporation. Well. I’ve heard of them too.
And that’s about how my huge cash collecting summer is turning out.
That’s The End?
E assim vai a vida. Oh. I should say somewhere in this issue that I’m sorry. Doggone sorry. This issue should have been out weeks ago. Not that I was overwhelmed by a deluge letters provoked from the last issue, mind you. but I’ve always wanted to be a published writer, so I’m having a heck of a good time. So unteel zee next time. I preezent you wit some eenspeerational toughts:
“I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness.’ but it doesn’t work.” — Gallagher.
Some people wouldn’t recognize subtlety if it hit them in the head.
Afternoon.
n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
And finally, always keep in mind the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
- The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed “car suck”).
- Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than “Watch this!”
Love,
Eric James Smith, Ed.
Copyright � Eric Smith, 1989-1998, All rights reserved.