Favorite Family Funnies

One of the joys of parenthood is the surprising and often unintentionally funny things your kids say. I started keeping track of some of these, and now that my children are old enough to be funny on purpose, I thought I’d share some bits of dialog I’ve collected from their earlier years.

Warning: A few are inappropriate for polite company.

1 May 2004
ETHAN (age 7): You know, if there isn’t anything to smell, you smell boogers.

31 Jul 2004
While helping with some weeding in the yard
ETHAN: My head is starting to ache! There’s nothing in my brain except weeds!

1 Nov 2004
During a family home evening
DAD: Who knows what happened on Nov 5, 1972? (Shannon’s baby blessing)
ETHAN (age 8): The Civil War?

12 Dec 2004
MOM (to DAD): What was the couple’s name at the Christmas party last night? She had long hair and he had a beard?
GERRIT (age 5, explaining the obvious): Mom, I think that was Mary & Joseph.

27 Mar 2005
DAD: How do you know if something is true?
GERRIT: I don’t know… The Easter Bunny’s true.
DAD: Is he true the same way that Jesus is true?
GERRIT: No, it’s a little different; Jesus isn’t a bunny.

28 Mar 2005
MOM: This child just had ice cream for breakfast!
GERRIT: No I didn’t! It was just a snack.

13 Jun 2005
GERRIT (age 6, missing ETHAN because he’s at scout day camp): I never told Ethan, but he’s the best brother I’ve ever had.

24 Dec 2005
GERRIT: What are you doing?
DAD: Wrapping Mom’s Christmas present.
GERRIT: What is it?
DAD: Do you think I’d tell you? You’re such a good secret keeper.
GERRIT (after a pause): Dad, how come you’re not telling me? You said I was a good secret keeper.
DAD: It’s called sarcasm.
GERRIT: Oh, is that like lotion?

11 Feb 2007
After a meal…
GERRIT (age 8): I’m as done as a dog!
DAD: How done is that?
GERRIT: All the way.
ETHAN (age 10): I’m as done as a cat. That means I still have room for cake.

30 Sep 2007
ETHAN: Air and shower water are the only things you can eat when you’re fasting. Only you shouldn’t eat shower water.

7 Dec 2007
DAD (to AFTON at bedtime): Do you want to hear “Teach Me to Walk” or “I Am a Child of God” tonight?
AFTON (age 2): Nope
DAD: How about “Happy Birthday”?
AFTON: (giggles)
DAD sings
DAD: Good night Afton.
AFTON: Cake?

14 Jul 2008
AFTON (singing I Love to See the Temple): This is my sacred booty.

20 Aug 2008
ETHAN (age 11) thought he’d quiz AFTON’s Spanish since she watches “Dora the Explorer”.
ETHAN: Afton, how do you say “open the door” in Spanish?
AFTON: Knock, knock!

3 Oct 2008
Driving home from the McDonald’s drive through.
GERRIT (age 9): Why does Ethan get his drink early?
MOM: Because he’s coughing because of his allergies.
AFTON: [cough, cough] I’m coughing, I need my drink!

24 Dec 2008
AFTON (age 3) had decided to run around naked for a while. At one point she came in chewing on a leftover pancake.
MOM: Wow, pancakes au naturel!
AFTON: No syrup.

4 May 2009
AFTON (to MOM): I helped you clean up and put away the laundry. I’m awesome, but Ethan isn’t because he stinks.
DAD: No, Ethan is awesome too, he just needs to clean up a little better. Nobody’s perfect.
AFTON: I am.
(MOM & DAD laugh)
AFTON: I’m funny!

8 Jun 2009
ETHAN (age 12): Dad, I think you should grow a beard so we can see how it looks.
Afton (very distressed): No! Dad, don’t do that or I will laugh at you very mean!

20 Jun 2009
AFTON (whiny): I don’t want to be whiny!

12 Jul 2009
MOM: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
GERRIT (age 10): They both like honey?

23 Jul 2009
ETHAN and his friend ANDREW are at the water slide park.
ANDREW: Ethan, will you give me a dollar if I touch this old piece of gum stuck to the wall?
ETHAN walks over and licks the gum
ANDREW flees in horror and disgust

24 Oct 2009
MOM (discussing a “Super Gerrit” costume for Halloween): Maybe he could be like a “super hero in training” and have a black eye and a broken arm.
GERRIT: Super hero in training — yeah, he could have s-h-i-t written on him.

14 Feb 2010
AFTON (age 4): The boys won’t let me do their stupid stuff with them!
DAD: If it’s stupid why do you want to do it?
AFTON: I like stupid!

11 Apr 2010
AFTON: I’m powerful, because I know how to punch someone in the balls really hard.
MOM & DAD look uneasy.
AFTON: I mean like bad guys or robbers. But if they had little girls I would give them presents.

22 Dec 2010
AFTON (age 5, tearing apart a cheese wanton): I know there’s got to be a fortune in here somewhere!

24 Jan 2011
DAD comes home from work.
GERRIT (running): Dad!
AFTON (running): iPad!

Jan 2011
GERRIT (looking in Black Belt magazine): Wow, a grappling hook! Afton, haven’t you always wanted a grappling hook?
Afton: Yeah! Then I could reach the Doritos better!

18 Jul 2012
AFTON (age 6): Will you come to the puppet show?
UNCLE PHIL: No.
AFTON : Do you want to break a little girl’s heart?
UNCLE PHIL: That’s what I do best.
AFTON (making a fist): I know where your weenie is.

28 Aug 2012
AFTON: I know how to make my tooth a little looser. I’m going to ask a kid to throw a rock at my face.

30 Aug 2012
After watching “The Middle” on DVD.
AFTON: Can we watch it in Spanish now?
MOM: No.
AFTON: How about Pork-a-cheese?

23 Sep 12
AFTON: I thought we were having beef for dinner.
GERRIT (age 13): You mean pork?
AFTON: Yeah, I thought we were having pork for dinner.
DAD: That is pork.
AFTON: No it’s not. It’s a grilled cheese sandwich!
ETHAN (age 15): It’s a texture pack.

11 Jan 2013
MOM (fixing AFTON’s hair): I think I’ll do piggies on both sides today.
AFTON (age 7): I don’t know… Since I have a dentist appointment today, two piggies might distract him.

15 Jul 2013
ETHAN lifts MOM up and puts her on the couch.
MOM: Better check him for a hernia.
AFTON: I have a hernia because I think it means that you’re really nice.

10 Aug 2013
AFTON (explaining that you should stick with a business’ specialty): When you go to Taco Bell, you don’t get the pasgetti!

2 Nov 2013
Watching a football game.
GRANDPA SMITH: Their quarterback can run, but the coaches don’t let him.
AFTON: Well, if you can’t run, skipping is pretty good.

21 Dec 2013
DOOR-TO-DOOR MEAT SALESMAN: Does your family eat steak?
DAD: Rarely.

24 Feb 2014
AFTON (age 8): Ethan, I like your shirt.
ETHAN (age 17): Grrr.
MOM: The appropriate response is “Thank you”.
ETHAN (covering his shirt with his jacket, then pulling the table cloth over his head): Grrr. Thank you.
AFTON: Ethan, I like your table cloth.

15 Nov 2014
AFTON: Who is your favorite Disney Princess?
GERRIT (age 15): Chuck Norris
AFTON: But he killed Jews!
GERRIT: What?!
AFTON: He killed Jews! Oh, wait, that was Hitler.

7 Feb 2015
Playing “Heads Up” — where you try to get people to guess a word.
MOM: The Australian thing that always comes back.
GERRIT: Aunt Debra?
(And we’re happy you do, by the way, Debra.)

7 Jan 2016
DAD: Are you threatening me with your fork?
AFTON (age 10): No, I’m waving it at you. My fork just wanted to say hello.

7 Mar 2016
MOM (commenting on AFTON’s good behavior in church): Afton, I think that was very grown-up of you — oh, honey, please don’t draw on your face!

25 May 2024
Mom thought she’d use her new skill with spark plugs (learned by working with Phil on our edger) to “encourage” Ethan to extend his Memorial Day visit.
MOM: You better watch out, I know how to take a spark plug out of your car.
ETHAN: If you could find it.
MOM: I’ll just open the trunk and look!
ETHAN: I’m not worried.