One of the joys of parenthood is the surprising and often unintentionally funny things your kids say. I started keeping track of some of these, and now that my children are old enough to be funny on purpose, I thought I’d share some bits of dialog I’ve collected from their earlier years.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Warning: A few are inappropriate for polite company.<\/p>\n
1 May 2004<\/strong> 31 Jul 2004<\/strong> 1 Nov 2004<\/strong> 12 Dec 2004<\/strong> 27 Mar 2005<\/strong> 28 Mar 2005<\/strong> 13 Jun 2005<\/strong> 24 Dec 2005<\/strong> 11 Feb 2007<\/strong> 30 Sep 2007<\/strong> 7 Dec 2007<\/strong> 14 Jul 2008<\/strong> 20 Aug 2008<\/strong> 3 Oct 2008<\/strong> 24 Dec 2008<\/strong> 4 May 2009<\/strong> 8 Jun 2009<\/strong> 20 Jun 2009<\/strong> 12 Jul 2009<\/strong> 23 Jul 2009<\/strong> 24 Oct 2009<\/strong> 14 Feb 2010<\/strong> 11 Apr 2010<\/strong> 22 Dec 2010<\/strong> 24 Jan 2011<\/strong> Jan 2011<\/strong> 18 Jul 2012<\/strong> 28 Aug 2012<\/strong> 30 Aug 2012<\/strong> 23 Sep 12<\/strong> 11 Jan 2013<\/strong> 15 Jul 2013<\/strong> 10 Aug 2013<\/strong> 2 Nov 2013<\/strong> 21 Dec 2013<\/strong> 24 Feb 2014<\/strong> 15 Nov 2014<\/strong> 7 Feb 2015<\/strong> 7 Jan 2016<\/strong> 7 Mar 2016<\/strong> 25 May 2024<\/strong> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the joys of parenthood is the surprising and often unintentionally funny things your kids say. I started keeping track of some of these, and now that my children are old enough to be funny on purpose, I thought I’d share some bits of dialog I’ve collected from their earlier years.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-701","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-familynews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=701"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1933,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions\/1933"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esmithy.net\/sparks\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nETHAN (age 7): You know, if there isn’t anything to smell, you smell boogers.<\/p>\n
\nWhile helping with some weeding in the yard<\/em>
\nETHAN: My head is starting to ache! There’s nothing in my brain except weeds!<\/p>\n
\nDuring a family home evening<\/em>
\nDAD: Who knows what happened on Nov 5, 1972? (Shannon’s baby blessing)
\nETHAN (age 8): The Civil War?<\/p>\n
\nMOM (to DAD): What was the couple’s name at the Christmas party last night? She had long hair and he had a beard?
\nGERRIT (age 5, explaining the obvious): Mom, I think that was Mary & Joseph.<\/p>\n
\nDAD: How do you know if something is true?
\nGERRIT: I don’t know… The Easter Bunny’s true.
\nDAD: Is he true the same way that Jesus is true?
\nGERRIT: No, it’s a little different; Jesus isn’t a bunny.<\/p>\n
\nMOM: This child just had ice cream for breakfast!
\nGERRIT: No I didn’t! It was just a snack.<\/p>\n
\nGERRIT (age 6, missing ETHAN because he’s at scout day camp): I never told Ethan, but he’s the best brother I’ve ever had.<\/p>\n
\nGERRIT: What are you doing?
\nDAD: Wrapping Mom’s Christmas present.
\nGERRIT: What is it?
\nDAD: Do you think I’d tell you? You’re such a good secret keeper.
\nGERRIT (after a pause): Dad, how come you’re not telling me? You said I was a good secret keeper.
\nDAD: It’s called sarcasm.
\nGERRIT: Oh, is that like lotion?<\/p>\n
\nAfter a meal…<\/em>
\nGERRIT (age 8): I’m as done as a dog!
\nDAD: How done is that?
\nGERRIT: All the way.
\nETHAN (age 10): I’m as done as a cat. That means I still have room for cake.<\/p>\n
\nETHAN: Air and shower water are the only things you can eat when you’re fasting. Only you shouldn’t eat shower water.<\/p>\n
\nDAD (to AFTON at bedtime): Do you want to hear “Teach Me to Walk” or “I Am a Child of God” tonight?
\nAFTON (age 2): Nope
\nDAD: How about “Happy Birthday”?
\nAFTON: (giggles)
\nDAD sings
\nDAD: Good night Afton.
\nAFTON: Cake?<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (singing I Love to See the Temple): This is my sacred booty.<\/p>\n
\nETHAN (age 11) thought he’d quiz AFTON’s Spanish since she watches “Dora the Explorer”.<\/em>
\nETHAN: Afton, how do you say “open the door” in Spanish?
\nAFTON: Knock, knock!<\/p>\n
\nDriving home from the McDonald’s drive through.<\/em>
\nGERRIT (age 9): Why does Ethan get his drink early?
\nMOM: Because he’s coughing because of his allergies.
\nAFTON: [cough, cough] I’m coughing, I need my drink!<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (age 3) had decided to run around naked for a while. At one point she came in chewing on a leftover pancake.<\/em>
\nMOM: Wow, pancakes au naturel!
\nAFTON: No syrup.<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (to MOM): I helped you clean up and put away the laundry. I’m awesome, but Ethan isn’t because he stinks.
\nDAD: No, Ethan is awesome too, he just needs to clean up a little better. Nobody’s perfect.
\nAFTON: I am.
\n(MOM & DAD laugh)
\nAFTON: I’m funny!<\/p>\n
\nETHAN (age 12): Dad, I think you should grow a beard so we can see how it looks.
\nAfton (very distressed): No! Dad, don’t do that or I will laugh at you very mean!<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (whiny): I don’t want to be whiny!<\/p>\n
\nMOM: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
\nGERRIT (age 10): They both like honey?<\/p>\n
\nETHAN and his friend ANDREW are at the water slide park.<\/em>
\nANDREW: Ethan, will you give me a dollar if I touch this old piece of gum stuck to the wall?
\nETHAN walks over and licks the gum
\nANDREW flees in horror and disgust<\/p>\n
\nMOM (discussing a “Super Gerrit” costume for Halloween): Maybe he could be like a “super hero in training” and have a black eye and a broken arm.
\nGERRIT: Super hero in training — yeah, he could have s-h-i-t written on him.<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (age 4): The boys won’t let me do their stupid stuff with them!
\nDAD: If it’s stupid why do you want to do it?
\nAFTON: I like stupid!<\/p>\n
\nAFTON: I’m powerful, because I know how to punch someone in the balls really hard.
\nMOM & DAD look uneasy.
\nAFTON: I mean like bad guys or robbers. But if they had little girls I would give them presents.<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (age 5, tearing apart a cheese wanton): I know there’s got to be a fortune in here somewhere!<\/p>\n
\nDAD comes home from work.<\/em>
\nGERRIT (running): Dad!
\nAFTON (running): iPad!<\/p>\n
\nGERRIT (looking in Black Belt<\/em> magazine): Wow, a grappling hook! Afton, haven’t you always wanted a grappling hook?
\nAfton: Yeah! Then I could reach the Doritos better!<\/p>\n
\nAFTON (age 6): Will you come to the puppet show?
\nUNCLE PHIL: No.
\nAFTON : Do you want to break a little girl’s heart?
\nUNCLE PHIL: That’s what I do best.
\nAFTON (making a fist): I know where your weenie is.<\/p>\n
\nAFTON: I know how to make my tooth a little looser. I’m going to ask a kid to throw a rock at my face.<\/p>\n
\nAfter watching “The Middle” on DVD.<\/em>
\nAFTON: Can we watch it in Spanish now?
\nMOM: No.
\nAFTON: How about Pork-a-cheese?<\/p>\n
\nAFTON: I thought we were having beef for dinner.
\nGERRIT (age 13): You mean pork?
\nAFTON: Yeah, I thought we were having pork for dinner.
\nDAD: That is pork.
\nAFTON: No it’s not. It’s a grilled cheese sandwich!
\nETHAN (age 15): It’s a texture pack. <\/p>\n
\nMOM (fixing AFTON’s hair): I think I’ll do piggies on both sides today.
\nAFTON (age 7): I don’t know… Since I have a dentist appointment today, two piggies might distract him. <\/p>\n
\nETHAN lifts MOM up and puts her on the couch.
\nMOM: Better check him for a hernia.
\nAFTON: I have a hernia because I think it means that you’re really nice. <\/p>\n
\nAFTON (explaining that you should stick with a business’ specialty): When you go to Taco Bell, you don’t get the pasgetti! <\/p>\n
\nWatching a football game.<\/em>
\nGRANDPA SMITH: Their quarterback can run, but the coaches don’t let him.
\nAFTON: Well, if you can’t run, skipping is pretty good.<\/p>\n
\nDOOR-TO-DOOR MEAT SALESMAN: Does your family eat steak?
\nDAD: Rarely. <\/p>\n
\nAFTON (age 8): Ethan, I like your shirt.
\nETHAN (age 17): Grrr.
\nMOM: The appropriate response is “Thank you”.
\nETHAN (covering his shirt with his jacket, then pulling the table cloth over his head): Grrr. Thank you.
\nAFTON: Ethan, I like your table cloth. <\/p>\n
\nAFTON: Who is your favorite Disney Princess?
\nGERRIT (age 15): Chuck Norris
\nAFTON: But he killed Jews!
\nGERRIT: What?!
\nAFTON: He killed Jews! Oh, wait, that was Hitler. <\/p>\n
\nPlaying “Heads Up” — where you try to get people to guess a word.<\/em>
\nMOM: The Australian thing that always comes back.
\nGERRIT: Aunt Debra?
\n(And we’re happy you do, by the way, Debra.)<\/p>\n
\nDAD: Are you threatening me with your fork?
\nAFTON (age 10): No, I’m waving it at you. My fork just wanted to say hello. <\/p>\n
\nMOM (commenting on AFTON’s good behavior in church): Afton, I think that was very grown-up of you — oh, honey, please don’t draw on your face!<\/p>\n\n\n
Mom thought she’d use her new skill with spark plugs (learned by working with Phil on our edger) to “encourage” Ethan to extend his Memorial Day visit.
MOM: You better watch out, I know how to take a spark plug out of your car.
ETHAN: If you could find it.
MOM: I’ll just open the trunk and look!
ETHAN: I’m not worried.<\/p>\n\n\n\n