I finally had to throw the shiny white excuse for a mouse into the drawer and pull out a trusty VX Nano. The Apple mouse suffers from the form over function malady: it is apparently too damaging to the aesthetic to actually have separate left and right buttons. Instead the mouse intuits which you want by how far to the left or right you press your fingers. Unfortunately, it didn't work too well and I kept getting left-clicks when I wanted right. That, and the fact that at the highest sensitivity I still needed way too much desk space to maneuver across the screen led to its replacement.